What Americans know about the English

These are all "facts" told to me by my American chums........


1. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".
2. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
3. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
4. In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you had consent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family). When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got consent of the King, the King gave them a placard that they hung on their door while they were having sex. The placard had F.*.*.*. (Fornication Under Consent of the King) on it. Now you know where that came from.
5. In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.


And if your American and wondering ...... NO none of them are true!

To all my friends who in the last year sent me best 'wishes', chain letters, 'angel' letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something, NONE OF THAT SHIT WORKED! For the rest of 2012, could you please just send money, vodka, chocolate, movie tickets or gasoline vouchers and airline tickets instead? Thank you! 

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got back I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.
-Walter

Made me Chuckle!

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.  She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.  She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.  
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.  
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.  
"Actually, no," he replied.  
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running   her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.  
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"  
"Yes. I need for  you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.  
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.  
"Tell him," she whispered,   "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."