What Americans know about the English

These are all "facts" told to me by my American chums........


1. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".
2. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
3. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
4. In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you had consent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family). When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got consent of the King, the King gave them a placard that they hung on their door while they were having sex. The placard had F.*.*.*. (Fornication Under Consent of the King) on it. Now you know where that came from.
5. In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.


And if your American and wondering ...... NO none of them are true!

To all my friends who in the last year sent me best 'wishes', chain letters, 'angel' letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something, NONE OF THAT SHIT WORKED! For the rest of 2012, could you please just send money, vodka, chocolate, movie tickets or gasoline vouchers and airline tickets instead? Thank you! 

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got back I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.
-Walter

Made me Chuckle!

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.  She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.  She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.  
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.  
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.  
"Actually, no," he replied.  
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running   her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.  
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"  
"Yes. I need for  you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.  
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.  
"Tell him," she whispered,   "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room." 

Happy Bloody Christmas

I was reading MIddleAgedCred’s blog about Christmas and it made me realise how different this time of year is for different people. When I was working (until 7 years ago) I never got time off at Christmas or New Year; as a professional musician it’s the time when the pay day bell rings long and loud and you have to be a fool to sit it out. It was funny to listen to radio DJ’s telling people to give a thought for all those working at Christmas, then spewing out the usual suspects – police, nurses, firemen – and yet I never heard a DJ add musicians to that list, even thought they spend their whole year playing records!

Musicians are the ones staying sober at your Christmas Eve/Day/ New Year party, the ones taking all your drunken abuse and smiling, the ones entertaining your kids, grannies or anybody in between, and you will expect them to work through midnight and into the new year, you won’t ever think about them, offer them a drink (which they can’t accept anyway) or get out of the way when they are trying to load their van quickly so they can get home to see their kids. In short you will expect them to be fabulous, funny, original, dance worthy and then disappear into the night sober while you stagger for a taxi.

And that’s what I miss................

Now I don’t have to do it anymore and I have the opportunity to relax, enjoy my family, wrap presents and put them under the tree, be with loved ones on these special days, I miss it horribly. How perverse is that?

You see the feeling you get from working at Christmas and New Year is different to the rest of the year. Somehow it’s better, bigger, brighter. And when you’re not there anymore Christmas and New Year seem dull and a little dingy.

I guess it’s because Christmas and New Year are manufactured periods of euphoria – you HAVE to be happy, you HAVE to laugh and raise your glass, no matter how shit you feel. If you are lucky you have the money to buy useless gifts for people you don’t really like, you can drink mulled wine, play carols on your iPod, watch reruns of Morecambe and Wise. In fact you can do as much as is necessary so that your pretence of festive joviality is maintained. Cynical moi?

When you work you look out at people enacting this ritual. You are sober (I would drink tea for my voice and water for the smokiness), you are rational and you are doing a job – hopefully to the best of your abilities – you smile and laugh, you make eye contact, you might occasionally let some drunken skunk up onto the stage to show his drunken friends what a talent he is. Performing is a thankless profession but at the festive season the thanklessness is magnified. You rehearse so that it looks easy, you perform through gritted teeth (sometimes) you accept the big money and have your celebrations later, in calmer times, with civility and no false friendships or platitudes.

The musician works for his supper, he celebrates his Christmas at a quieter time, with real friends, with real happiness. Nothing foolish, nothing forced and without any feeling that mirth is ‘required’.

So when you look back on this years round of parties, think about the musicians, the invisible people in your selfish festive parade.

For me, I hate Christmas and New Year now, it’s so tacky from this side, so cheap and false, it lacks any sincerity and it just seems to be about draining the life (and the cash) out of otherwise decent people.

Roll on January 3^rd.

Fatty

I use the word "fat." I use that word because that's what people are: they're fat. They're not bulky; they're not large, chunky, hefty or plump. And they're not big-boned. Dinosaurs were big-boned. These people are not overweight: this term somehow implies there is some correct weight... There is no correct weight. Heavy is also a misleading term. An aircraft carrier is heavy; it's not fat. Only people are fat, and that's what fat people are! They're fat!

Only in America!

This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy aircraft carrier, U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln, and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. The radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 20th October 2011 authorised by the Freedom of Information Act.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.